life's dissapointment

there will come a time in your life when you think that all the things happening around you isn't the way you wanted it to be or you'd expect. there are some expectations that shouldn't be expected as this may bring dissapointment to the person. there are things in life that are really unfair. and with that, we can't do nothing about it.

I am in a point of my life wherein I am seeing the things around me giving me some dissapointment. I know for a fact that I shouldn't be feeling this way. That I should throw the idea of dissapointment as this never gives any good impression nor feeling to one person.

there are also when you don't expect and you see that what is happening around you isn't right. life is unfair as all of us say. yes, it is indeed true in every sense of the word (or rather the quote). Life is totally unfair. but when you think of this imbalance, this is what really life is. this is the fact that we must endure in living in this world. this is reality. this is the true drama of life.

why am I in this state of my life now, if you may ask. I'll be very frank about it. i am seeign issues around me that didn't expect my level of expectation thus giving me this feeling.

I admit that I am a competitive person, I dont like the feeling in the loosing end. And I always try to be in use or on the upper half. A feeling of self satisifaction is a feeling you cant compare with other things. It is a self fulfillment wherein you will be proud of yourself to what you've done. but there comes a time when you think that you are giving too much compared to other people but yet you are receiveing the same amount of recognition or rather same amount of reward.

I know that this shouldn't be an issue after all. it just a personal issue with me. maybe I just need a break. maybe I need to pull myself away from the crowd and have a quality time with my own self. thinking and looking back on all the good memories that somehow will make me feel a little bit better.

this is the thing that I am afraid of. a self imposed standard that even myself is afraid that I can't meet the expectation. yes, sometimes I do expect a lot. when I think that things should be in the proper place and effort given should be given the the right amount of gratitude.

I just hope that this feeling will fade away as there are other people being affected and they bring also other dissapointment to myself. I hope that my judgment is not cloudy these days as I never want to be irradical on my decisions.

I am looking forward on my Manila trip two weeks from now and maybe during that time being, I can think again and re-asses what is happening with my life.

maybe, the best description on this scenario would be - my normal expectations (or what I am doing every day that I give my best effort) are their Outstanding expectations, but the problem is that we are receving the same kind of gold and medal for a work that I have given my best and the work that they do was just below expectations.

I am not asking for any recognition or whatsoever. I just want things to be in their proper place. recognize the right people, give them what is right for them we wont have any issues at all.

this is life. i dont wanna ask again the question I asked myself when I resigned from my previous job cause I might be afraid of the answer from within.

Am I STILL happy???

david.edward signing off.....